Bad Boy 4 Life!

pdiddy

 

I’ve always wanted to shout “THIS IS THE REMIX” right as a big, gaudy, flashy beat drops.

Like, I want Diddy to Executive Produce my entire lifestyle, and I can’t even get out of my shower without some blinged the fuck out 80s loop just playing all over the world at the same time.  And motherfuckers in China and India will hear it and be like “Go get ‘em Skizza, you got this!”

Like, whoa!

Bad Boy 4 Life!

People hate on lavish rap.  Dog, I love lavish rap.  I want my headphones to start spewing  out ten thousand thread count Egyptian linen until I’m wrapped up like a spider’s prey every time I press the fucking play button.   Dog, I want Diddy to just recite the model numbers of every Rolex he’s ever owned for 16 bars. That shit is INSPIRING.  You can’t be sad listening to Diddy.  Except that one song.  You have to be sad listening to that one song.  But otherwise you can’t be sad listening to Diddy.  You can’t be sad listening to Ma$e.  I listened to Harlem World last night and wound up floating on a solid-gold yacht across an ocean made of champagne.  These aren’t metaphors, this shit LITERALLY actually happened.   It’s no wonder Diddy haters are so unhappyable – they’re not getting their regular daily dosage of champagne yachting.

I thought I told ya that we won’t stop!

When I was in the 8th Grade there is NOTHING I wouldn’t have done for one of those suits from the Been Around the World video.   That shit was NOT available at Zeller’s, dog.  Sadly, my sartorial ambitions  continued to exceed my young grasp, and I had to settle for silk-screened Allen Iverson jerseys, high-top Air Force Ones, and powder-blue Akademiks zip-up hoodies.  You ever stand in front of the mirror and listen to some Bad Boy shit?  I swear you can feel the measuring tape running across your shoulders and your waist and around your arms.  Bad Boy ain’t no off-the-rack shit, dog.  Bad Boy is tailor-made shit.  Listening to Bad Boy is like getting a full alteration job done.

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If I had 24 Hours to Live, I’d listen to 24 Hours to Live by Ma$e for 24 Hours straight.

 

Bad Boy 4 Life!

 

Dog, I love lavish rap.  We’ve still got lavish rap.  Jay makes lavish rap, Rozay makes lavish rap, Drizzy and Kanye and A$AP make lavish rap when they feel like it.  But these guys are too rap, not enough lavish.  These guys are like 50/50 lavish and rap.  Diddy is like, all lavish, barely any rap.  Diddy is like, champagne bottles just fucking everywhere.  Diddy is like the Venus De Milo surrounded by velvet ropes lactating Ciroc into a golden chalice.

I thought I told ya that we won’t stop!

I just want to find every sad person in the world and give them all an iPod full to the brim with Diddy songs.  And they can listen to Diddy and know that things can get better.  Because Diddy is out there somewhere right now.

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